Never in my dreams...

I'm not sure how many people (if any) still read this - but I just need to get some things off my chest.

James and I tried to get pregnant during May, June, & July - no luck. I decided that maybe I should try and lose some weight to help my chances. When trying to conceive (Logan) we got pregnant the very first month of trying - which really shocked me/us! I lost about 25lbs and then we decided to start trying again. 
So we tried November & December...after 5 months of trying, I finally got a positive home pregnancy test! My period was 1 day late when I took the test. The line was pretty faint, but it was there. I was ecstatic! Especially after just finding out the week before that my good friend was pregnant we'd be due about a week apart! I stopped at Walgreen's on the way to work that morning and bought some Clear Blue digital tests - the ones that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" that way I would know for sure. I took one Friday morning and it said "Pregnant" - I then wrapped it up in a box and when I got home from work I gave it to James to open. He said he had a hunch what it was :)
We told both sets of parents, Eric, Jacque, Sarah, and a couple of my friends. I wasn't ready to announce on facebook until I got the "for sure" from my doctor after my 8 or 9 week ultrasound.
That same Friday after telling our family, I started having some brown spotting. It was only when I wiped, and it was never red like period blood. It concerned me though, because I never had it with Logan. When I called to make my 8 week appointment I told the receptionist what was going on, and she didn't seem concerned. She said if it turns red and I start cramping to call back.
The spotting went away on Monday and didn't come back till Thursday. Then on Friday (a week after telling family) I went to the bathroom at work and there was bright red blood when I wiped - I stared at the toilet paper in shock - could this really be happening??? I got up and looked in the toilet and there was a little clump or red (possibly the start of my baby)? I will never know...I stuck it out through recess duty and then headed out to my car to cry my eyes out - I called my doctors office and since it was Friday my doctor was not in, he would have to call me back. By this time I was bleeding like a period, I had no hope that I was still pregnant.
About an hour later he called and said he wouldn't be able to see me until Monday, but to just take it easy. Monday came and he did an ultrasound - no baby in my uterus (just like I thought) but there was a cyst in my right fallopian tube, which concerned him a little bit. He thought maybe I had an ectopic pregnancy and wanted me to go get my blood taken right away. 
I went to the lab and had my blood taken - they wanted me to come back in 48 hours to recheck my HCG & Progesterone levels. I went back Wednesday morning and had them rechecked. When I was leaving the lab I got a call from my doctors office, the nurse said that my blood from Monday checked out good that I had a "complete miscarriage" and that everything had cleaned itself out. That was a relief, it means I didn't have a baby in my tube. She said my doctor wants me to come back in 6 weeks to do another ultrasound and check on the cyst in my tube. I really hope by that time it has gone away. We got the "okay" to start trying again. 
I am really nervous to start trying for another baby. I don't know if I can handle getting my hopes up and then they all come falling down. What makes it really hard is a couple friends being pregnant and due in September, when my baby would have been born. They post on facebook about being pregnant and it just makes me so sad. I don't expect them to not talk about being pregnant, babies are a blessing and such a joy! I just hope that my turn comes soon. We've been trying now for 6 months...that's half a year! I really wish we could have gotten lucky again on the first month of trying.

I found this quote and it really speaks to me.
"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." - A.A. Milne

I will always wonder and think about what my September baby would have been like.